Tantrum Over Beer

Like you, I'm not a perfect mom.

I've had diapers disintegrate and fall off my children. I've angrily quizzed the pharmacist as to why the Benadryl isn't making my toddler sleepy, and yes, to the glaring woman at Best Buy, I DO think Theodore of Alvin and The Chipmunks is extremely gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I'm not perfect, I never pretend to be, and sometimes, like yesterday, my extreme suckyness finds a new low.

While grocery shopping with my youngest, I had an argument with him in the liquor aisle...over liquor. Relax: We don't give any to him. He steals beer bottles out of the recycling and chugs the swill. In all honesty, there's beer in my house maybe twice a month. But when it's here, watch out. Sticky-fingers baby on the prowl. And then at restaurants he tends to shriek for it, or when we do have people over and there's beer served...the child is obsessed. My pediatrician said it's the hops that some kids like...or something. Then I got a long lecture, yaddya, yaddya, yaddya.

No, I don't give my kids alcohol and I sho' don't like shouting matches with my two year old over Sam Adams vs. Coors Light:

Me: "Ok, honey, one more aisle and then we're done". (Takes a shortcut to dish soap via liquor aisle.)
CJ, squealing in delight: "Beeah! Beeah! Beeah!"
Me: "Shhhh. Stop it."
CJ: "Beeah, mama! Look! I wan' some! Mama! LOOOOOK!"
Me: "Knock it off. Not getting you beer."
CJ (Shrieking, furiously grabbing onto the shelf holding Coors Light): "I WAN SOME! Mamaaaaa......beeah!"

Me, looking around quickly, pulling his death-grip off the shelf:  "Stop it! No beer! You're two years old!

I pause though, eyeing the Sam Adams Light. I grabbed a six-pack and set it in the cart.

CJ, hitting the six-pack: "No! I wan dat beer!" He says, pointing to the giant gleaming silver case of Coors Light.

Me: "No! Be quiet! I hate Coors Light!" He kept screeching and kicking furiously. Noticing the look from the curious store employee, I leaned in closely and narrowed my eyes, making my most intimidating, don't-you-eff-with-me-face, and hissed at him:

"If you stop shouting, mommy will give you some when we get home." He stopped.

I'm such a loser.

Veteran Mamas Needed

I'll admit it: There are worse things in life than a 5 year-old boy who loves to be with his mommy. Like famine, disease, another Kardashian reality show...But I really can't take it anymore, and I need some insight as to how I should deal with the obsession attention. (Before you go on, yes I know this won't last forever and yes I know there will be a day when I'll miss this, but for the sake of my sanity I must have coping mechanisms.)

When I leave the room for more than one minute--really, I've timed it to reassure myself I'm not a raving b*tch mother--G starts calling for me.

When I look away for more than three seconds, G starts asking me to watch him do his latest trick. Sometimes it's a clever one, but usually it's whatever he can come up with on the spot, such as "hey mommy look, look, look! Watch me eat this grape. It's so awesome."

When I set the timer and have one-on-one time with him for 45 minutes, he wants 90 more.

When I read him four books, he wants 10 more. Then whines and complains I never spend time with him.

When I snuggle with him at night for THIRTY MINUTES, he wants more.

He always wants more and more and more and it's never enough. I'm sure this is normal; when I told his pediatrician he kind of nodded and smiled as if to say, "Yeah, and?"

But the boy is insatiable, and unfortunately for him I have another child, a house to run, nursing school, work, and a husband. I only have so much to give. I love him dearly, think he's the coolest 5 year old on Earth, and I miss him when I'm away. But the non-stop following me is really starting to take a toll on my teeth. I've been gritting them more and more lately and I'm afraid my mouth will start to resemble a meth head's.

Help.

Controversy Over a Genderless Pre Teen

There's a couple in California who want their pre-teen to pick his/her own sex. Yes, you read that correctly. At present, the child is being pumped full of hormone blockers to delay puberty until he/she decides which gender path to choose. Once that decision is made, hormones will be given to start puberty. This is like the Canadian couple who are using their baby as a social experiment by raising it gender-less. Morons.

What the eff? This couple needs a firm smack upside the head. Hey, if someone wants to experiment with his or her own sexuality and God-given gender, have at it. This is a free country. If you want to play Creator, go for it. I'll never treat you differently and I'll teach my children to respect all people, regardless of their lifestyle. But when it comes to parents allowing their kids to choose such a life-altering decision at a young age? That's where I draw the line.

Let's for a moment lay aside the health concerns of synthetically prolonging puberty. How many impressionable 12 year old girls know for certain they want to live as men? Or vice-versa?  And what if this child is teased for a certain behavior and made to believe he/she should live as the opposite sex, only to grow up and regret such a profound choice? The onset of menstruation alone has many a girl wishing she was a boy at least once a month. Hell, I still feel that way sometimes and I'm 35. But do I want to change my gender? No. Would I have been emotionally equipped to make that decision with finality at 12 years old? NO.

What say you? Am I being far too close-minded, or does this couple perhaps need a massive smack upon their giant idiotic heads? I'm convinced these parents aren't concerned about true happiness for their kids; I think they want their own reality shows and have a sure-fire way of getting sleazy VH1 producers to notice them.